Monday, September 15, 2003
Stupid Joe. Stupid stupid stupid.
I have been SO good with my eating habits lately. I’m talking seriously good. I have cut fast food completely out of my diet and I have limited my portions to an amount that is suitable for the not so growing boy that I am.
That is, until last night.
Paul got to my place around 9pm. I had already eaten dinner and was working on a bowl of Fruity Pebbles when he surprised me at my apartment. At 11pm, he wanted to go to McDonalds to grab a burger and I thought that since I have been so good lately, that I could have some Donald’s too. Well, I ate a grilled chicken and some french fries and for the rest of the evening, I lay in bed clutching my stomach. At 5am, I finally got out of bed to rid myself of the garbage and now at 11am, I sit at my desk burping up puke filled hatred from the depths of my stomach. Why oh WHY did I eat McDonald’s at 11pm?!?!?
Fucking stupid! A waste of calories and even worse, my stomach is RAGING today. I feel like shit.
There is a reason why I am typing this entry so early today. I have to get some things off my mind.
Things about Ian.
Fine, I admit it. I like him. I like him a lot. I have a HUGE crush on him. There’s nothing I could do…it just happened. There is no doubt in my mind that I have lost the bet to Kelly and that I will be doing her laundry. At this point, I can’t even hide the fact that I am swooning heavily over this straight boy. GRRRRR….
I had a feeling it was coming, but now there is no denying the fact that I want him for my own.
On Friday night, Ian and I went out for drinks so that we could have the chance at getting to know each other better. We started at a sports bar and after one drink, I moved us over to a gay bar that was down the block. I just felt more comfortable with him there, rather than competing with the rednecks playing beer pong at a nearby table. Ian was very open to moving to a gay bar.
Ian and I talked about everything. Our families, our past relationships, our thoughts on the show, theater in general, hopes, dreams, and desires. He is an incredibly interesting person and he is a lot of fun to talk to. The play flirting continued throughout the evening and I finally just had to ask him if he was ever “bi-curious” in his life. I was very shocked at his answer. And I wish that I could dive in and explain it all in here, but it’s not fair of me to do that to him. Everything I was told was to stay in complete confidence. So I will keep it that way. But let’s just say that Ian is open to the idea of having a gay relationship, with the right guy.
Ian told me that I was incredibly good looking. He told me that I am unlike any of the other gay people he has met. He told me that he likes hanging out with me and talking to me and that he wants us to get together this week to spend more time with each other.
Ian also told me that he has purchased an engagement ring for his girlfriend and that at some point over the next couple of years, he hopes to propose to her and begin their life together.
After hanging together for a couple of hours, Ian asked me to go to his apartment so that I could see his pad and meet his girlfriend. I did go and was a bit overwhelmed. His girlfriend is AMAZING. She is pretty and sweet and a bit shy. Ian talked about me to her as though he and I have been friends for a really long time. He showed me numerous pictures of his family and friends and when it was time for me to go, he and his girlfriend walked me to the subway. It was one of the most thoughtful things any new friend has every done.
Ian and I spent a great deal of the night talking about our friendship and about the little quirks that drive the other person crazy. He says that sometimes he feels like I want to be his friend and sometimes he feels like I want nothing to do with him. That’s a fair assessment. When I mentioned that I was unhappy with the way our kiss went last Thursday, he said that he felt the same way and that we should practice a bit tonight before we start the rehearsal. I was all for it. (obviously)
We made tentative plans to go costume shopping this weekend and also to get together one night before rehearsal to work on character development and line memorization. Both his ideas.
The reason all of this bothers me so much is two fold:
1) I really like Ian. I like him a lot. Definitely more than I should. I’m not like “in love” with him or anything, but I do have a serious crush on him. Physically he’s not really my type, but conversationally, I can’t get enough. Sometimes, when I think about him, it makes my stomach hurt. Sometimes when I know that I won’t see him again for a couple of days, it makes me frustrated and a bit sad. Cuz I KNOW I can’t just pick up the phone to call him and see how he’s doing. To do that with a straight boy would be…well…gay. I have a boyfriend and things are going well. I’m not at all in the place to be looking for other guys. But why does it seem as though every guy I meet, I fall for. ESPECIALLY if they are straight or committed in another relationship. Even more especially, if they’re both. Ian does not want to date me. He does not want to drop his girlfriend of 3 years for me. I don’t want to do that with Paul either. But why do I feel so intensely about this? Why?
2) Ian has worked very hard at his relationship with his girlfriend. He has never cheated on her, although she has cheated on him. He is dedicated, caring, sweet, and kind to her…all parts of his personality that no one else in the show has seen, beside me. They have a wonderful rapport together and it is very clear to me that they are deeply in love. It is not my place to make Ian question his relationship, his sexuality. If I see a loophole in his theory, it is not right for me to capitalize on it. This is one person that I can’t have and I have to understand that. It isn’t fair for me to do anything to jeopardize any of this.
Ian and I have the potential to become really good friends. It is totally possible that we will get through this experience and become incredibly close. I want that. I really do. I want to have a straight guy friend that I can talk to and learn from. But why do I ALWAYS fall for them? It’s because I can’t have them, right? It’s because it is the ultimate challenge and I am bored unless I try to go for it. But it’s not like I am doing it intentionally. The feelings I have for him have happened against my better judgement and there seems no way for me to separate reason from logic.
Fuck.
I don’t know.
All I do know is that I am really excited to spend time with him at rehearsal tonight. I am excited to kiss him and I am excited to help him in his part for the show. I am excited to talk to him, be around him, and for him to make me feel important.
I am majorly confused as to why this is happening to me…again.
I have been SO good with my eating habits lately. I’m talking seriously good. I have cut fast food completely out of my diet and I have limited my portions to an amount that is suitable for the not so growing boy that I am.
That is, until last night.
Paul got to my place around 9pm. I had already eaten dinner and was working on a bowl of Fruity Pebbles when he surprised me at my apartment. At 11pm, he wanted to go to McDonalds to grab a burger and I thought that since I have been so good lately, that I could have some Donald’s too. Well, I ate a grilled chicken and some french fries and for the rest of the evening, I lay in bed clutching my stomach. At 5am, I finally got out of bed to rid myself of the garbage and now at 11am, I sit at my desk burping up puke filled hatred from the depths of my stomach. Why oh WHY did I eat McDonald’s at 11pm?!?!?
Fucking stupid! A waste of calories and even worse, my stomach is RAGING today. I feel like shit.
There is a reason why I am typing this entry so early today. I have to get some things off my mind.
Things about Ian.
Fine, I admit it. I like him. I like him a lot. I have a HUGE crush on him. There’s nothing I could do…it just happened. There is no doubt in my mind that I have lost the bet to Kelly and that I will be doing her laundry. At this point, I can’t even hide the fact that I am swooning heavily over this straight boy. GRRRRR….
I had a feeling it was coming, but now there is no denying the fact that I want him for my own.
On Friday night, Ian and I went out for drinks so that we could have the chance at getting to know each other better. We started at a sports bar and after one drink, I moved us over to a gay bar that was down the block. I just felt more comfortable with him there, rather than competing with the rednecks playing beer pong at a nearby table. Ian was very open to moving to a gay bar.
Ian and I talked about everything. Our families, our past relationships, our thoughts on the show, theater in general, hopes, dreams, and desires. He is an incredibly interesting person and he is a lot of fun to talk to. The play flirting continued throughout the evening and I finally just had to ask him if he was ever “bi-curious” in his life. I was very shocked at his answer. And I wish that I could dive in and explain it all in here, but it’s not fair of me to do that to him. Everything I was told was to stay in complete confidence. So I will keep it that way. But let’s just say that Ian is open to the idea of having a gay relationship, with the right guy.
Ian told me that I was incredibly good looking. He told me that I am unlike any of the other gay people he has met. He told me that he likes hanging out with me and talking to me and that he wants us to get together this week to spend more time with each other.
Ian also told me that he has purchased an engagement ring for his girlfriend and that at some point over the next couple of years, he hopes to propose to her and begin their life together.
After hanging together for a couple of hours, Ian asked me to go to his apartment so that I could see his pad and meet his girlfriend. I did go and was a bit overwhelmed. His girlfriend is AMAZING. She is pretty and sweet and a bit shy. Ian talked about me to her as though he and I have been friends for a really long time. He showed me numerous pictures of his family and friends and when it was time for me to go, he and his girlfriend walked me to the subway. It was one of the most thoughtful things any new friend has every done.
Ian and I spent a great deal of the night talking about our friendship and about the little quirks that drive the other person crazy. He says that sometimes he feels like I want to be his friend and sometimes he feels like I want nothing to do with him. That’s a fair assessment. When I mentioned that I was unhappy with the way our kiss went last Thursday, he said that he felt the same way and that we should practice a bit tonight before we start the rehearsal. I was all for it. (obviously)
We made tentative plans to go costume shopping this weekend and also to get together one night before rehearsal to work on character development and line memorization. Both his ideas.
The reason all of this bothers me so much is two fold:
1) I really like Ian. I like him a lot. Definitely more than I should. I’m not like “in love” with him or anything, but I do have a serious crush on him. Physically he’s not really my type, but conversationally, I can’t get enough. Sometimes, when I think about him, it makes my stomach hurt. Sometimes when I know that I won’t see him again for a couple of days, it makes me frustrated and a bit sad. Cuz I KNOW I can’t just pick up the phone to call him and see how he’s doing. To do that with a straight boy would be…well…gay. I have a boyfriend and things are going well. I’m not at all in the place to be looking for other guys. But why does it seem as though every guy I meet, I fall for. ESPECIALLY if they are straight or committed in another relationship. Even more especially, if they’re both. Ian does not want to date me. He does not want to drop his girlfriend of 3 years for me. I don’t want to do that with Paul either. But why do I feel so intensely about this? Why?
2) Ian has worked very hard at his relationship with his girlfriend. He has never cheated on her, although she has cheated on him. He is dedicated, caring, sweet, and kind to her…all parts of his personality that no one else in the show has seen, beside me. They have a wonderful rapport together and it is very clear to me that they are deeply in love. It is not my place to make Ian question his relationship, his sexuality. If I see a loophole in his theory, it is not right for me to capitalize on it. This is one person that I can’t have and I have to understand that. It isn’t fair for me to do anything to jeopardize any of this.
Ian and I have the potential to become really good friends. It is totally possible that we will get through this experience and become incredibly close. I want that. I really do. I want to have a straight guy friend that I can talk to and learn from. But why do I ALWAYS fall for them? It’s because I can’t have them, right? It’s because it is the ultimate challenge and I am bored unless I try to go for it. But it’s not like I am doing it intentionally. The feelings I have for him have happened against my better judgement and there seems no way for me to separate reason from logic.
Fuck.
I don’t know.
All I do know is that I am really excited to spend time with him at rehearsal tonight. I am excited to kiss him and I am excited to help him in his part for the show. I am excited to talk to him, be around him, and for him to make me feel important.
I am majorly confused as to why this is happening to me…again.
